Christmas Fruit Cake

1 cup butter
1 cup water
4 large eggs
8 oz. mixed nuts
1 tsp. salt
Juice of 1 lemon
1 bottle bourbon
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. baking powder

- Sample bourbon to check quality.

- Take out a large bowl. Before pouring bourbon, check it again, to be sure it’s of the highest quality. Then pour one cup and drink. Repeat.

- Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

- Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, the chuck in the dried fruit.

- Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
- Sample bourbon to check for tonsiscency.

- Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares? Check the bourbon. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

- Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

- Don’t forget to beat off the turnerer. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.